Having to relearn my life and gain a real sense of self after brain surgery and intraoperative hemorrhage, has been a challenge and at times it has been quite frightening. As time passes and I learn more about myself through daily life as well as through my studies, I often have 'ah ha!' moments which inspire me to think about the things I have gained or lost along this trail.
My brain and memory were so injured by the tumour, hydrocephalus and surgery so much that for some time I was not able to tell if I was awake, asleep or dreaming. I was dissociated and felt like I was floating around outside my body at the same time I knew I was 'in' my body because I could make it move etc. My short term memory was impacted such that I could not remember eating let alone what I had eaten, minutes after a meal.
When I started exploring study, initially to see if I could remember anything long enough to be assessed on it, I had to learn how to learn. I started off by linking things to things I already knew (mostly about myself) to that extent the Self schema was my basis for consciously forming new memories. It is still something I rely on quite heavily. While studying 1001PSY I was able to remember a lot of content because I could relate the things we were learning about the brain, to the injuries and side effects I had experienced with my own brain. The same could be said for Bio psych.
In the early stages of my recovery and rehabilitation I kept a blog and filled it out each month so that I could evaluate myself and my improvement. I often found that I would be thinking 'Oh! I'm better now, I can take on the world' a month later I would be looking back and realise how deluded I had been. I was 'not' better and could not take on the world. I continued to blog monthly for my own benefit for the first 5 years. It gave me a basis for comparison when I had no 'normal' to use as a yard stick.
