My Supports

 This is how I function on any given day, 

There are 27 little supports I use every day to keep me in a functional state (not including paracetamol and ibuprofen, ondansetron or my weekly injection).

Today one of the side effects of my brain surgery back in 2011, memory loss, kicked in in full swing. I rely on routines to help me to remember to do things. This morning the routine was interrupted and I forgot to take my medication. I was feeling pretty unpleasant all day with a soul-crushing headache which I tried to manage with paracetamol and ibuprofen. It wasn't until tonight when I went to take my night time medication that I discovered why I felt so grim and had so much pain in my head.

So now it's after midnight, I am in pain. 

I feel like I have those little bits of hair you get after a hair cut, all over me. 

I have pain in my legs. 

I have a burning patch on the back of one thigh. 

The left side of my body has decided it doesn't want to work properly.

If you have ever had the misfortune to have a CSF leak, that is how my brain feels, like there isn't enough fluid to keep it floating.

My muscles are twitching and jumping like they are working up for a seizure. 

Sound is a physical experience. Each one is physically jarring. 

I have to close one eye to see. 

If I close both eyes it helps with the pain in my head but makes the dizziness worse. 

I desperately want to be asleep or preferably unconscious until this is all done, but I know I have a good 24 hours of this and worse ahead of me.

By the time I get up tomorrow, I will need to use the walls to stop me from falling. There will probably be some sliding down the wall involved. 

I'll be able to hear my heartbeat wooshing into my head. 

Nausea will kick in. 

I'll want to curl up in bed and sleep in the dark with the fan running. 

I am angry and frustrated. I have been taking medication daily since 2003. How can I possibly forget such an important and impactful part of my daily life? 

Friday is cancelled. All my plans are off the table and I am just going to have to suck it up and get through this. 

Saturday will be a better day. I'll hang on to that with both hands.