In 1995, I left my previous relationship, and from then on, Mother's Day was hard. Some years I had my eldest son with me, sometimes I didn't. It hurt.
I have known my twin stepdaughters since they were 5 years old. I had a great relationship with them, especially after I became their stepmum in 1996 when Kim and I were married. Over the years, my relationship changed with them growing up and with the long separations that occurred. They have always been our girls in my heart and mind. That hurt.
I lost my own Mum in 2007. That really hurt.
My eldest son moved in with his dad in 2009, never to be seen by me again. It was a big hurt.
We lost our 5th child, Violet, in 2009 as well. Big, big hurt.
A few years ago, Kait (as an adult) gave me a mothers day gift. A Skull mug with a brain lid! She wishes me a happy Mother's Day. Then, in 2020, Kait ended her life. That was one of those moments that sucked the air right out of your body, and for a long, long, long time, you don't think you will ever be able to breathe in again. Hurt does not begin to describe that one.
A few years ago, our youngest stopped recognising Mother's Day (for me) altogether, and I don't think I will ever know why. Hurt times a trillion.
In preparation for this year, I booked tickets for us (Kim and me) to see Nick Cave and to spend the night at the Star Grand on the Gold Coast as a bit of an escape from the Mother's Day madness and an opportunity to reconnect with each other. I also went out to visit my Mum and Dad at the crematorium earlier in the week to leave some Australian Native Flowers for Mum for Mother's Day and her birthday towards the end of this month.
Friday, we were supposed to attend the 70th birthday of an amazing friend, teacher and extended family member. Kim called me from the carpark at work to tell me that he was not feeling well and told me what his symptoms were. I suggested he call an ambulance. He opted to drive home, promising to pull over if it got worse and to call an ambulance.
Saturday morning, we went to the GP to get him checked out. The GP did a great job and sent us to the local ED with a letter and copies of his most recent blood results, etc. We spent all day in the ED and then the Clinical Decision Unit. By the time I Ubered home at 9:30 pm, Cardiology had decided to admit him.
Sunday morning, I woke up after a particularly bad night's sleep. I pulled together some bits and pieces to take up to the hospital and then sat in the lounge with Kaits ashes and cried. She said, "Things are pretty crap, huh?!"
I have not felt this alone in the world since I was 15 and realised that I could be facing life without my parents and that my brothers and I might be separated.
The hurt is beyond description. Today has been a very bad day.
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