Christmas

As a small child I always looked forward to Christmas. It was magic. My mother and my grandmother put so much energy and effort into Christmas it was almost what I imagine it would be like to be on another planet. Occasionally we would make the long trek by car from Canberra to Miriam Vale by car to see Grandma Walker for Christmas. That was magic too! She lived such a long way from us and we had all of these family members who lived in me mysterious tropical state of Queensland. Travelling north was an adventure all on it's own.


I remember one year that Granddad Woollcott had sent us money (from England) to buy our own Christmas presents which I thought was pretty neat. Mum wrapped our newly purchased Christmas gifts from Granddad up and put them away for Christmas. We went to Miriam Vale that year and I remember being completely delighted that Granddad had given me this amazing gift which was just what I wanted and even more miraculous, it was at Grandma Walker's house!

I remember Christmases at Batemans Bay with Grandma and Granddad Woollcott. They had a house they had built themselves which had a bush house with cascading fish ponds and a swimming pool out the pack. There were possums that would come down to the landing at the back stairs each night to be fed and were 'relatively' tame. Grandma had super fragile glass ornaments for the christmas tree which (I think) had come over from England with them. We ate dinner at the big dining table with a candelabra, handmade placemats and coasters, napkins with rings and the very grand chairs. The silverware would come out and Grandma would bring out the sugar bowl and the jam bowl.

I remember the heat, cooling off in the pool, learning to swim in that pool, ice cream from the cream van that came around. Two tone ice cream which tasted better than any other ice cream ever. I remember going to the beach in Aunty Terrys blue car with the dogs in the back. I remember watch the crabs running around on the beach and I remember playing in the sea with my cousins Ric and Tracey.

There were little Christmas traditions which popped up from time to time. I remember there being little gifts left on our pillows at Grandma and Grandad Woolcotts house. Mum had 'tree' presents which were, as the name suggests, little presents which were hidden in the Christmas tree. I don't remember what the little pillow gifts and the tree presents were, but I remember thinking it was magical.

When I had my first Christmas away from home as an adult it was not magical, it was not anything like I had experienced before. Different family, different traditions and no magic. My first child's Christmases with that family were lacking in magic apart from Santa of course. When I reconnected with my family there was still a bit of magic left. I could see in my sons eyes, the wonder over tree presents. The magic of a gift being more than just a thing that you got. It was a gift which had been given to express love. In the other family gifts were about who got how much stuff and what is was worth in monetary terms.

When I later separated from my first child's father I had Christmas on my own with my son for half of Christmas day and all of boxing day before going back to his father's house. It was a trial. The other family seemed to think that Christmas was an great opportunity to compete for my sons affections. The magic of Christmas had been all but sucked out of it.

As our family grew, Christmas became more challenging. We had four children. Two would be whisked away into the wide blue yonder for years at a time and would be returned to us at random. I would go through the process every year or shopping for, wrapping, and labelling Christmas and Birthday gifts for the girls. I would write their names on all of our Christmas cards but mostly they were not there. For around 7 years I continued to collect these gifts and store them away in the wardrobe. One year I caved and gave them to a friend who had a much younger daughter. I figured that at 13 years old the twins would no longer be interested in the gifts we had bought them when they were 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 11 years old.

At the same time we were doing the split Christmas with our eldest son. We'd pick him up on Christmas day at midday, drive to my parents house, spend the day with them, go home, feed the kids and put them to bed, boxing day we would head to Kim;s family and then drop Matthew back with his dad by 5 on Boxing day. Every year I would end up in tears. Every year I would try to hide it from James. I was devastated that he didn't get to put out the food and drink for Santa with his brother and sisters. He didn't get to experience the excitement and joy of waking up and opening gifts from Santa with his siblings. The girls were never there and his brother would only be with him in passing. Christmas was spent either on his own our in the car being shuffled from one place to the next in the heat with a sea of faces of people he was related to but didn't get to really spend time with. Every year my heart broke a bit more.

When Mum was diagnosed with Lung cancer we put more effort into Christmas. It was Mum's 'thing'. We spent more quality time with Mum and Dad and the boys got to spend more time with their magical grandparents. December 16 2007, Mum passed away while Dad an I held her hands and each others. Christmas 2007 had no magic.

I decided that from then on, Christmas needed to have more effort from me. I decorated, I baked, I pour love and time into planning everything so that it would be as magical as I could make it for my children, for my husband, for my Dad, my brothers and their wives. Every year I still cried. My heart would break because my Mum was gone. 2009 Matthew went to live with his father. I wept for my missing son and my missing mother. 2009 we had a miscarriage. I wept for our daughter who had not even had a moment with us. I wept for the twins who we hadn't seen for many years.

We reconnected with the twins and had Prue and her partner and our granddaughter Willow with us for christmas one year. That was magic. My Dad smiled and had a great time playing with his great granddaughter. He had a ball going shopping for pink things! He bought her a beautiful fairy dress which she insisted on putting on straight away and would not take it off. Some of the magic started to creep back in. The girls drifted off into their own lives again as tends to happen when your children become adults.

Then Dad died. Christmas went to hell in a handbasket. I tried to keep things going. My younger brother tried to keep things going. We even had Kims extended family here for Christmas one year. Kaitlin came with her partner and it was wonderful.

This year I was really struggling. I felt completely unmotivated to do much at all. I lost a beautiful friend a few months before and it just sapped the life from me. I had a big cry over the loss of my Mum and it being the 10 year anniversary this year. We made plans to get some bits and pieces and do a little bit of decorating to try and bring some of the magic back. Then... the other foot dropped. My cousin lost her life the day after mums anniversary. Devastation doesn't really cover it.

We planned a causal catch up with my brothers for the 23rd as the youngest does away from the 24th to new year every year now. Unfortunately he didn't make it last year and didn't make it this year either. Henry, Casey, Kim, James and I had a lovely afternoon spending time with each other and chatting. it was relaxed, comfortable and stress free. Unfortunately Kim has picked up a cold from James and was feeling pretty unwell but he made the best of it. Poor James succumbed to the antihistamines he has to take to cope with cats and ended up nodding off on the futon. Henry was dealing with his illness, Casey with hers and I had mine. We did our best, we spent time, quality time together and we hugged.

Today we are all resting.

Tomorrow we will have our little family Christmas and we will either head out to our favourite spot to chill out or we will stay home. Either way, we'll be together.

Boxing day we head to Kim's parents place to do Christmas with the Robertsons. We will bring Matthew (Kim's brother not my son) home with us and he will spend the time until New Year with us as he has done for many years. It is a tradition and a fabulous opportunity for James to form those bonds with his uncle and for Kim to reconnect with his little brother.

This year I have candles to light for our friends and family who have passed away.

Next year will be different again but I will still try to bring back the magic.

I have learned through all of this that while my heart breaks and aches for those I love who are not with us for whatever reason, I need to be present for those who are with me. This was made particularly apparent to me this year when my beautiful boy was depressed and told me he hates Christmas because in this family something awful always happens and it is sad.

I won't ignore the sadness and the pain that comes with this time of year but I don't have to let it take over and rule the way Christmas is experienced from now on.

The magic can come back.

Our fairy princess with her Granddad's tank!