Words

They tumble through the fog like ninjas in a movie.


FLASH!
Amygdala
Ventriculostomy

That thing with the four sharp, no, not sharp...long! Oh, you know the one.
Not for soup. Maybe jelly?
Hmmmm green.

What did you say?
Breakfast?
I guess I am hungry. Maybe some... Apple? No, seeds? With the baby cow juice... Not corn. No, not wheat. Little mares?

Why can't I remember?

What did I just hear? No, that can't be right! Tunnel work? Windows? In my brain! But... I live here, you can't take away my home. I must be dreaming... but it hurts. How can it hurt if I am asleep? I must be imagining it. They said it was all in my head. They said it was imagining? They said... something.

I can't find the words. Not the '''right' words. We had a plan to document this story. We were going to write it together and get it down but now I can't find the words to describe the experience. Not the right ones. I am lost mid sentence, can't remember where I started, can't remember where I was going. Maybe if I just stop here they won't notice. Maybe they can't tell...

What was that! Oh! Um, I don't know the answer. So much sound, so much colour and light and... all the things. I don't remember it being like this before.

Something is missing! What is it? I need to find it! How do I find it if I don't know what it is? I'll know it when I see it, when I find it. What was it?

This tiny window into a broken brain. This is what complete confusion feels like.

I couldn't find the words, I still struggle with them. Mostly it becomes a joke, the 'thingy'. So many 'thingys' in my life. It makes University a challenge that's for sure.

I hunt the words now. I cast a wide net and try to eliminate and funnel them down until the 'right' one appears. Sometimes it takes days, sometimes I just give up.

That thing I was looking for, apparently I looked for it for three days. Turns out the 'thing' was pain. I had been living with intractable pain for so long that it had become something tangible, a thing, an item, something which was lost.

I was very happy it was gone. Eight years is a long time to have a 'headache'! My poor scrambled brain didn't know what to do with this new lack of input.

Our brains are beautiful, wonderful things. They house far more of our selves than you might imagine.

I still question it. Is this real?

I spend a lot of time here. Sorting, sifting, looking for lost things, putting new things away carefully. My body, with the able assistance of my brain, is failing me. First my vision doubled, then my hearing went (but only on the right), then my voice slowly. One minute I am speaking clearly, then I sound like I have laryngitis. I used to sing! Now the muscles in my mouth lash out and refuse to make the right shapes to form words. I fall over words like I fall over my feet.

I have become all three monkeys.

Words run out of my head as fast as they run in. Sometimes faster.